just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
