do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize