I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
