In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
