i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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