I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
