Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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