It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
