I'm laying in your front yard are you home
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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