She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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