dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
