Betty ford says i'm here all night
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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