i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
