what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I pour the whiskey from now on
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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