I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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