So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
