my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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