It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Randomize
