the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
