i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Actions speak louder than pants.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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