I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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