Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just gift wrapped bread.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize