I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
