i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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