The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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