Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
