thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
