Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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