On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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