Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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