Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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