When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
