All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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