3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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