I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
