the condom got lost in my hair
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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