I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
