Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
