so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
