Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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