Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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