having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
