Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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