I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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