My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
