Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
