every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
