I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Come share oat with me in your robe
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
