You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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