Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
