I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
