Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
