He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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