DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
