I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
