He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
