My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
