Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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