you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
