the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
