i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
