Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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