i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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