I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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