brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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